Friday, April 4, 2014

Adding to Heaven

If you don't know me really well, then it's probably necessary I mention that I'm definitely an extrovert. So, when John and I experienced our first loss of a baby, I felt like keeping it in my heart wasn't good enough. How would the world know that Heaven gained a new member if I didn't tell them? How would they know the name of our baby? How would they know we had been blessed again, even if it was for a short time? I just wanted to share our experience. Everyone processes differently and this is my way. 

It all happened so quickly. We found out we were pregnant (surprise!) on Wednesday, April 2, 2014 around 2:00 in the afternoon. We talked about if it would be a girl or a boy. We wondered if the baby would have the same chubby cheeks as our other kids. We hoped for a smooth pregnancy. We calculated the due date, which would have been December 8, 2014. We even joked that I happen to be pregnant every time we move, and our move to Wyoming from Missouri was coming up this summer. It was going to be a blast driving to the hospital in the dead of winter in Wyoming! 

By 8:00 that night, I was in so much pain that I asked John to come home from work to take me to the hospital. I took my first ambulance ride. As much as I trust my husband's professional emergency driving, it hurt too much to sit up in the car and hold on as he flew through town. 

After a short while waiting in the ER and an ultrasound, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured. I was bleeding internally. That means the baby attached to my fallopian tube instead of my uterus and instead of growing, it ruptured. An emergency surgery was set up to remove the tube and stop the bleeding. There was a complication, though. I have a rare blood condition and the blood bank did not have any blood for me. The anesthesiologist did not want to start the surgery until we had some blood from somewhere. He set up to have blood cleaned and transferred from St. Louis by a Missouri State Trooper escort. It was the only option if I lost too much blood, but it was still risky. My OB said they couldn't wait any longer because of the internal bleeding - they had to go and hope for the best with or without blood on hand. They put me to sleep as I was praying the Rosary (and my husband and friend were both praying one, too!). I was hoping for the best, but was scared as hell. I kept thinking of my two kids who were alive and well. How blessed were we to have two healthy normal pregnancies before this one? I was so thankful in that moment and also hoped I would wake up to see them again.

I woke up. My OB doctor is the Everything went as well as it could have gone. No blood transfusion necessary. She removed my fallopian tube, but left my ovary (I asked if it was just floating in my belly while they had me on some heavy pain meds...). 

We picked a name for baby about the time the hospital discharged me. We won't know if baby was a girl or boy, but we do know he or she was a part of our lives for just that short period of time. I have battle scars from this child just like the scars and stretch marks from my other two and this baby deserves a name just like my living babies. We still dreamt of the future with this child. The name we picked is Jamie Joselyn. Jamie, after a good friend of ours growing up and Joselyn is a family name, my maternal grandmother's maiden name. 

So, we found out we were expecting the same day we lost. We feel blessed to have been part of such an experience. We know Baby Jamie is in a good place, sharing eternity with Jesus. We can't wait to meet baby, but we also know Jamie is in good company up there. 

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as he closed the book, 'Too beautiful for earth.'" -unknown

Jamie Joselyn Williams - April 2, 2014 added to Heaven.

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